T.A.R.D.S
The story you are about to read is true. (Or is it just a little bit of a stretch of the imagination?) The names have been changed to protect the innocent…(Or is it merely to protect the guilty?)
Everyone has a story to tell. Some stories are factual and the others are fallacies. I too have a story that must be told, a story that several friends of mine (actually it was just one neighbor but “several friends” sounds much better, don’t you think?) can’t imagine how I got involved in such a situation as this one.
Before I can explain to you the situation that transpired on that fateful day, I must describe the individuals who are involved in this scandalous event.
Individual #1-Luella
Some people say Luella is the victim, others say the suspect? Luella has over-processed greenish-red hair and a tattoo that says, “White Trash Woman” in the middle of her lower back. She has a filthy mouth and drinks like a fish. When she’s intoxicated she is assertive and likes to take advantage of the foreigners and the disabled fellas around the neighborhood. When she’s sober she serves drinks at the local bar “The Old Coot’s Saloon,” she likes to add laxatives to all the women’s drinks and Viagra to the drinks of the attractive men when they’re not paying attention.
Luella is a hefty gal with enormous ears that enables her to hear in the dark which is useful because in her free time she likes to hunt for Big Foot In the woods, at night. She has a romantic delusion about Big Foot but that is an entirely different story to tell…
Individual #2 -Junior
Junior certainly loves the ladies and doesn’t want to settle down anytime soon. He has a stutter and a limp. He has greasy long brown hair and a short thick head. He wears coke-bottle glasses. His skin is furrowed and leathery. He is a short man, pot-bellied, and he’s not very smart. He doesn’t keep a “real job” but he does trap coyotes and sells their pelts. He has 9 kids and 6 babies, mommas.
They say that Junior and Luella, had the perfect relationship, or did they? They were an item for many years and they devoted most of their time to each other, except that he would cheat on her every chance he got, and she was in and out of jail on a regular basis for stealing clothes from the local laundromat.
Individual #3-Myself (Me)
I am a naive, considerate, and compassionate person. I’m tall and wispy like a little flower swaying in the breeze. Most people have described me as beautiful and smart. Being as vain as I am, I, on the other hand, would describe myself as gorgeous and highly intelligent. Many say that I have class and charm. I say this as well. The fact of the matter is, that’s a matter of fact. Now, with that being said, let’s move on but be advised.
Three days ago, I was awakened around one-ish in the afternoon by the burly sound of Luella’s voice bellowing on the telephone…
She was going on and on about how she was upset that her true love Junior, was no longer accepting her calls. I explained to her that she shouldn’t be in shock since Junior has 7 restraining orders issued against her! She was very distraught over this and I was very worried…
So after I took a bubble bath and ate a late lunch, I drove to her trailer. She answered the door wearing a rope looped around her neck. She was ranting and raving about how she was neglected and rejected. I told her that I have an engagement and she should just learn to live with it. She said that she had enough of her bleak existence and was going to end it all and she expected me to be there to witness it. I told her that I was in a crunch for time and then I reminded her of my appointment. She said that she would make an effort to hurry…(I sensed a minuscule amount of sarcasm and I was a little annoyed by her selfishness.)
Luella said, “Couldn’t you just come in and sit down? I’ll get you a drink.”, She went into the kitchen, got an ice chest full of beer, plopped it in the middle of the living room, and struggled to climb on top. So naturally being the polite young woman that I am, I helped her up on top of the ice chest…she looped the rope around the fake wood ceiling beam. I reached to get a beer and accidentally knocked the ice chest over. I thought to myself, this is boring, no point in both of us, hanging around. So, after a few gulps of my beer, I mentioned I had to vacate the premises.
As I’m leaving, I hear a heavy thud! At that point, I went back into her trailer and watched as she flopped on the floor! I know I should have called a doctor or something, but I assumed she just had too much to drink. Soo…
I entered my vehicle to flee the premises and then unexpectedly she appeared out of nowhere and plummeted in front of my car…twice!
At this point, I went home, had some dinner, and then about an hour and a half later, her ” true love” Junior called with the news of Luella’s demise…?
Immediately, I’m extremely suspicious of him because Luella was alive when I drove away from her trailer. I glanced back in my rearview mirror she was resting on the ground but she was alive and well. This is just bizarre!
After the phone call from Junior, I was extremely worried about Luella’s welfare so I hurried in a frantic state to the kitchen to eat my dessert and have an after-dinner Liqueur. I stared at the wall for about an hour and a half, then I drove to Luella’s place…when I arrived at her trailer, I noticed the door was open. I looked in and found her slumped over a bowl of soup with a knife in her back. She wasn’t quite dead when I found her, she was mumbling something, It was hard for me to understand what all she uttered because she had a tuna sandwich lodged into her mouth…she kept saying ‘H- he-hhel’ over and over. Oh and then she died. Hehe-hhel? That could be the name of her killer!
Now don’t get me wrong, it saddens me, obviously. (Boohoo, sniffle sniffle!) For one, She was always jealous of my beauty and it pains me that I can no longer rub my gorgeous looks into her manly face. For two, I have been in a panic since her death. I was the last person to see her alive. For three, I need to establish an alibi, so I don’t get into trouble for MURDER!
I must admit I’ve been accused of many things…but I have never been accused of murder or telling the truth.
Hmm? This might be a delightful time to go on vacation. Relaxing on a warm beach in Me`-he ko` (Mexico) sounds like a great idea. It will enable me to overcome the grief I am feeling and I can practice my Spanish!!
Who would want to see Luella dead?
Was it a suicide or murder?
Is she just trying to get some attention?
Are there any more tuna fish sandwiches?
Faithfulkisses Fallacies 